I’ve been a bad blogger.
This is not new. I’m bad at a lot of things, but I do them anyway. Except for math. I don’t do math.
I haven’t been blogging because this blog has historically been a way for me to get out some frustrations while baking delicious food. However, the last few months have been mostly frustration free. I didn’t have any disastrous dates or long, lonely weekends, or nights spent eating pounds of Chinese food with my dog. Instead, they were full of new plans and hope and all of the great things that go along with a new, promising relationship. I was happy and excited, and then, just as suddenly as it began, it ended.
I didn’t see it coming, and I still don’t really know what happened. I could sit here and analyze it to pieces, but when it comes down to it, it wasn’t right, and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’d think that break ups would get easier as you get older, and in some ways they do. When I was younger – in high school – I remember how devastating a break up was. I was lacking the experience to put it in perspective, and the boy I liked not liking me back seemed like the end of the world. As I got older, I gained some perspective, and a break ups were a little easier to handle. I knew it would suck for a while but that it was just something everyone went through, and I’d find the right person eventually.
But now, at 32, it’s starting to feel like the end of the world again. It’s not specific to this most recent relationship — I’d feel this way no matter who it was, I think — it’s specific to this time in my life. Going from being alone, to not being alone, and then back to being alone, seems like just too much to take. I’ve been dating and breaking up and dating for 16 years now, and I’m tired. I certainly didn’t expect to be single at 32, and the thought of starting over yet again, just is too much. It feels like long division. Scary and complicated and impossible.
Right now, I’m writing about it because putting some of these scattered and crazy thoughts on the internet for everyone to see for some stupid reason feels like it might help. And then, later, I’ll bake about it. After that, I’ll eat about it. I will definitely drink about it, and at some point when I don’t even realize what’s happening, I’ll forget about it.
I’ve had too many feelings to bake lately (don’t worry, this week/weekend will be full of deliciousness), but in the meantime, I’ve compiled a few of my favorites for you below.
- Because I’m the Prettiest Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Boys are Idiots Espresso Chocolate Chip Cookies
- I’m the Prettiest and the Skinniest Graham Cracker Cupcakes
- We’re All Gonna Be Ok (Maybe) Blueberry Cookies
Talking and laughing about it with Stella Louise: