“Never” – The Internet Explains my Love Life

For the last 15 years and 11 months, I have been consistently confused when it comes to dating. Am I doing it wrong? Am I doing it right and everyone else is doing it wrong? How do I play hard to get if I actually want to be got? Why do guys only like crazy girls? Am I actually one of those crazy girls? Is there a hidden meaning when he texts me “Hey”? Does he really mean “You’re so pretty, let’s hang out”?

The good news is that I finally have a reliable source to go to for answers: internet quizzes.  Some geniuses out there have figured out who my boyfriend was in a past life just by asking me what my favorite color is and which flower I think is the prettiest. It has to be true. Algorithms and stuff. SCIENCE.

Last winter when I was having a particularly rough time in the dating scene, I may have typed “Why am I still single?” into Google and found this gem of a quiz. According to wewomen.com… NOBODY KNOWS why I’m still single. Apparently the reasons behind my status as an unmarried woman are a giant mystery to everyone!  I was hoping for a pep talk or some solid bit of advice, but instead I got “We’re a bit baffled as well! It certainly seems that you’ve got everything going for you.”   Right?! But, as we all know, the internet doesn’t lie. So, I went with it, and I took a few more quizzes. Obviously.

I learned:

My real soulmate is pizza (Which carb is your soulmate?)
The sexiest thing about me is my sense of adventure
The first thing guys notice about me is how smart and intimidating I am (and apparently my luscious booty)

I’ve also learned that my true calling is to be a chef (or a philosopher, or an artist – there seems to be some disagreement among experts),  I should live in Sao Paulo, I’m an excellent sleeper, I’m exactly like Snow White, and I see the color blue extremely well, but red not so much.

After results like those, how could I doubt the wisdom of the internet and its quizzes? The next logical question to ask the internet quiz algorithms (this post is all about logic) was the oh so important question of “When Will I Get Married?” The first time I took the quiz, I made the mistake of going too specific and taking the At What Age Will You Get Married? version. I dutifully answered the questions (something like -favorite color, green; favorite season, fall; favorite thing to do on a Friday night, Netflix)


The freaking internet told me I would get married when I’m 48. That’s 4 times 10 plus 8.

Everyone is allowed to make a mistake at some point, even the interwebs. So, I gave the “geniuses” who somehow calculated those 48 long years a break and wrote it off as an anomaly. I decided that getting an exact age might be a little too much to ask, so I asked the more general question of just “When I am going to get Married?” Once again, I answered their questions as honestly as possible, and waited for the internet to tell me my destiny.



When am I going to get married? Never.

Apparently I am too bad ass to get married. But don’t bad ass, adventurous, big bootied chefs who look like Snow White deserve to get married too?

I’m blaming it on the algorithms.



I’m currently…

  • Reading: Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
    I just started this, so jury is still out, but history plus crime makes for a pretty unbeatable combination
  • Listening to: Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
    I’ve listened to SOB about 25 times just today, but I could listen to his voice singing pretty much anything
  • Eating: Homemade spicy black bean chili (and two pieces of cake)
  • Wondering: How many times my dog has rolled her eyes at me today and  if dogs can roll their eyes



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