Tag Archives: why am I still single

“Never” – The Internet Explains my Love Life

For the last 15 years and 11 months, I have been consistently confused when it comes to dating. Am I doing it wrong? Am I doing it right and everyone else is doing it wrong? How do I play hard to get if I actually want to be got? Why do guys only like crazy girls? Am I actually one of those crazy girls? Is there a hidden meaning when he texts me “Hey”? Does he really mean “You’re so pretty, let’s hang out”?

The good news is that I finally have a reliable source to go to for answers: internet quizzes.  Some geniuses out there have figured out who my boyfriend was in a past life just by asking me what my favorite color is and which flower I think is the prettiest. It has to be true. Algorithms and stuff. SCIENCE.

Last winter when I was having a particularly rough time in the dating scene, I may have typed “Why am I still single?” into Google and found this gem of a quiz. According to wewomen.com… NOBODY KNOWS why I’m still single. Apparently the reasons behind my status as an unmarried woman are a giant mystery to everyone!  I was hoping for a pep talk or some solid bit of advice, but instead I got “We’re a bit baffled as well! It certainly seems that you’ve got everything going for you.”   Right?! But, as we all know, the internet doesn’t lie. So, I went with it, and I took a few more quizzes. Obviously.

I learned:

My real soulmate is pizza (Which carb is your soulmate?)
The sexiest thing about me is my sense of adventure
The first thing guys notice about me is how smart and intimidating I am (and apparently my luscious booty)

I’ve also learned that my true calling is to be a chef (or a philosopher, or an artist – there seems to be some disagreement among experts),  I should live in Sao Paulo, I’m an excellent sleeper, I’m exactly like Snow White, and I see the color blue extremely well, but red not so much.

After results like those, how could I doubt the wisdom of the internet and its quizzes? The next logical question to ask the internet quiz algorithms (this post is all about logic) was the oh so important question of “When Will I Get Married?” The first time I took the quiz, I made the mistake of going too specific and taking the At What Age Will You Get Married? version. I dutifully answered the questions (something like -favorite color, green; favorite season, fall; favorite thing to do on a Friday night, Netflix)

48.

The freaking internet told me I would get married when I’m 48. That’s 4 times 10 plus 8.

Everyone is allowed to make a mistake at some point, even the interwebs. So, I gave the “geniuses” who somehow calculated those 48 long years a break and wrote it off as an anomaly. I decided that getting an exact age might be a little too much to ask, so I asked the more general question of just “When I am going to get Married?” Once again, I answered their questions as honestly as possible, and waited for the internet to tell me my destiny.

Ready?

Never.

When am I going to get married? Never.

Apparently I am too bad ass to get married. But don’t bad ass, adventurous, big bootied chefs who look like Snow White deserve to get married too?

I’m blaming it on the algorithms.

 


 

I’m currently…

  • Reading: Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
    I just started this, so jury is still out, but history plus crime makes for a pretty unbeatable combination
  • Listening to: Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
    I’ve listened to SOB about 25 times just today, but I could listen to his voice singing pretty much anything
  • Eating: Homemade spicy black bean chili (and two pieces of cake)
  • Wondering: How many times my dog has rolled her eyes at me today and  if dogs can roll their eyes

 

 

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Single in my 30s: The Art of Being Picky

Being an unmarried woman in my 30s, I spend a lot of time (way more than I should) trying to figure out why I’m still single. I even took a “Why Are You Still Single” internet quiz (entirely unhelpful as the answer I got was “We don’t know either! You seem great!”) Thanks for nothing, Internet.  In my 20s, being single was something to be proud of. I had plenty of time; I could play the field, enjoy being young — it seemed much more like a choice back then. As the years went by, it became more alarming. All of a sudden, I felt like I was running out of time, and I started wondering what I was doing wrong.  I know I’m not the only one who’s found themselves in this position, and everyone seems to have an opinion on why single people are still single.

A few things I’ve heard over the years:

You need to put yourself out there more.
You’re too intimidating.
You should stop running away from men when they approach you.
You should move to [insert city here]
You need to get involved in more things. 

But I think the most common critique single people get is the classic, “You’re too picky.”

I’m sure there are some people out there who are legitimately too picky;  I know there are ridiculous people who refuse to even talk to someone if they don’t look a certain way or drive a certain car, and those people deserve to be called out.  But I think most of us just have a reasonable set of standards for the people we date. The problem is that as we get older, the dating pool decreases significantly in size, and we start to wonder if our “standards” are hindering us from finding the right person. Maybe if we just relaxed a little, we’d find someone great that we’ve been overlooking.

I’ve wondered this a lot – am I being unreasonable? Am I really too picky?

I don’t think I am. I’ve been set up on so many dates that ended up being a complete waste of time for both of us because we had absolutely nothing in common except that we happened to be the only two single people our well-meaning married friends could think of.  Just because we’re in the same age range and haven’t found a spouse yet doesn’t mean we’re meant for each other, and it really isn’t even enough of a reason to go on a date. It’s so easy to fall into this trap of “I should give everyone a chance just in case.” Sure, widen your net a little — maybe you don’t really need a strict 6 foot height requirement, but I think it’s important to know what it is you won’t compromise on and stick to that.

When I was in middle school, I broke up with my very first boyfriend.   I remember writing in my letter (this is back when people wrote letters – I’m that old) that we needed to break up because “we couldn’t base a relationship on soccer.” Of course, at 13, I had no idea what a “relationship” was — my experience didn’t extend beyond holding hands at summer camp and few a angsty letters.  I probably put a little too much thought into the whole thing, but the point is that I knew if we could only find one thing to talk about (soccer), that was going to get old pretty quickly.  I wanted more, and I still do.

It can be a hard balance – trying to figure out if you’re being overly choosy or just sticking to your standards. My brother asked me the other day why I wasn’t seeing a particular guy anymore and I answered, “Because he insisted on putting steak sauce on everything.” While I want to think this is a valid reason for a break up, I realize that on its own it is a ridiculous reason. Of course I didn’t really end it over steak sauce, but that was just one of a lot of indicators that there wasn’t anything solid there, and it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I realize that no matter who I end up with, there will be things they do that drive me crazy.  But I’m going to keep holding out for the best, and if I do find it — someone who I love, who I respect and admire, it’ll be worth it.  And for the record, if they insist on putting steak sauce on everything – you bet your ass we’re going to have a serious discussion about it, but I will be willing to overlook it for the right person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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